Why Banks Suck
by professorfrink
Summary: i wrote this...it's pretty good. this is why you never go to a bank. please read and review!


**Why Banks Suck**

**By: Andrea Gordon**

**Characters: **Teller (T) [_T must pronounce their numbers as if they were "twelve hundred" instead of "one-thousand two hundred"_, and Customer (C) [_C must pronounce their numbers as if they were "one-thousand two hundred" instead of "twelve hundred."_

**Setting: **A Bank Window

**Props: **Nameplate, ID card

_(T is sitting, looking around, distracted, etc. C stands, waiting for permission to sit from T. T finally notices.)_

**T: **Ah! Please sit down.

**C: **Thank you.

**T: **Now, how can I help you?

**C: **Well, I wanted—

**T: **Oh! Excuse me. I'm Michelle. _(She points to her nameplate.)_

**C: **Okay. But about my—

**T: **Um…excuse me. When someone introduces themselves, it's proper to introduce yourself back!

**C: **Why? I have my ID card.

**T: **Still…how do I know that that's actually _you_ on that ID card?

**C: **Because it has a picture of _me_ on it.

_(Pause)_

**C: **Fine. I'm Kaleigh Miller.

**T: **Nice to meet you, Kaleigh.

**C: **Nice to meet you, Miss…_ (She looks at her nameplate)_ Johnson.

**T: **Michelle.

**C: **Miss—

**T: **Michelle.

**C: **Miss—

**T: **Michelle.

**C: **Michelle!

**T: **Yes?

**C: **I had a question about—

**T: **Excuse me; I need to see your identification card.

**C: **Why? You said you didn't need it; I just needed to tell you my name.

**T:** I didn't say that.

**C: **Yes you did.

**T: **No, I didn't.

**C: **Yes you did!

_(Pause)_

**T: **Fine. I said that. But I still need to see your identification card.

**C: **Why?

**T:** Because this is a bank and security is out top priority. Identification, please.

_(She hands her her card. T examines it. She looks at the card, and then at C. she repeats this several times.)_

**C: **Now what?

**T: **This doesn't look like you.

**C: **Yes it does.

**T: **No, it doesn't. I should report this. Your hair is much, much longer. And, it's a waaaaaay different color.

**C: **That's because I dyed my hair, and it grew. Hair does that. It grows.

**T: **Fine. I'll believe you. Now, what can I help you with today?

**C: **I'm concerned about this transaction fee—

**T: **Oh. You're complaining. Complaints are window one. This is window nine.

**C: **I'm not complaining. I'm…questioning.

**T: **oh. Alright. Go on.

**C: **Anyways, I was making a withdraw from my account. I took $250 from my checking.

**T: **Okay. So what?

**C: **That wasn't the bad part. So I go home and take a look at the receipt…

**T: **This is so suspenseful!

**C: **And I see that there's a $1,500 transaction fee!

_(Pause. C waits for T to say something. T just looks around.)_

**T: **So…um…what exactly is the problem?

**C (outraged): **I OWE THE BANK $1,750!!!!!!!

**T: **You told me it was only $1500!

**C: **I know! But I took another look at the receipt, and it said I needed to pay back what I withdrew!

**T: **If you owed the bank money, why didn't you come forward sooner?

**C: **Never mind. But why was there a fee?

**T: **We explain all of our fees on our commercials.

**C: **I don't watch TV.

**T: **All the more reason why you should've heard of our fees. We only do radio commercials.

**C: **Well I never heard anything about it.

**T: **Of course not. The guy who talks really fast at the end said it.

**C: **But why do I owe money?

**T: **I told you lady, we explained everything in our commercials. You'll need to pay that as soon as…now.

**C: **What?

**T: **I said, "You'll need to pay that as soon as—"

**C: **No, that "what" wasn't in the unclarity context, it was in the context of disbelief.

**T: **Oh. _(Pause)_ Will you be using cash, credit, or check?

**C: **Well I didn't expect to pay it right now…

**T: **Do you have Paypal? Because we also accept Paypal.

**C: **No! I don't have a Paypal!

**T: **You should get one. They're very efficient.

**C: **Fine. Whatever. I'll get one later. Do you have an ATM machine?

**T: **Actually, it's just "ATM." Because _that_ stands for Automatic Teller Machine. If you said ATM Machine, you would be saying Automatic Teller Machine Machine. And that's redundant. And that's redundant. That's a redundance fee. We'll have to add another $200 surcharge.

**C: **Sorry. Why?

**T: **Apology fee. $200. And a question fee. In total so far, you've asked seven questions. That's $200 a question. Bringing that total to $1400 dollars. You now owe the bank $3350.

**C: **Wha—

**T: **That's almost a question.

**C: **Oops. You're right.

**T: **Realization fee. $500.

**C: **This is getting ridiculous.

**T: **Well you should've paid your fee when you had the chance.

**C: **Fine. I'll write a check.

**T: **Schweet.

**C: **May I borrow one?

**T: **Another question. $200. Borrowing a check. $300. $4350.

**C: **_(sigh)_ All right. I need a pen.

**T: **It's all about _you_, isn't it? Pen. That's $750.

**C: **Why is a pen more than a check?

**T: **We value our pens. Plus another question. $950.

**C: **And I would make it out to…

**T: **That's obvious. Another fee. $200.

**C: **Fine. What's the total?

**T: **Well I was going to say $5300, but since you just asked another question, it'll be $5500.

**C: **Five thousand five hundred?

**T: **No, fifty-five hundred. I'm gonna have to charge you for mispronouncing a number.

**C: **Why so many fees?

**T: **Well, the customer is responsible for the FEES that you just mentioned for the FEES _(she trails off, mumbling under her breath, saying FEES a couple more times.)_

**C: **What?—

**T: **FEES! I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.

**C: **I'm leaving!

**T: **You can't! You still owe the bank $5700!

**C: **You just said it was—

**T: **You asked another question. Plus a conversation fee.

**C: **A conver—

**T: **Yes. We charge by the syllable.

**C: **That's it. I'm out!

**T: **But you can't leave! I have your account number!

**C: **Too bad. I'm outta here!

**T: **You still owe us money!

**C: **I'll e-mail you.

_(Pause. C exists.)_

**T: **That's sensible.

_(She turns to face an invisible customer.)_

**T: **Hello! Welcome to Hidden-Fee Bank. I'm Michelle.

_(She points to her nameplate.)_

**T: **How can I help you?

_**SCENE**_

_(Note: Neither character is gender-specific. "Michelle" may be changed to "Michael" and "Kaleigh" may be replaced with "Kevin")_


End file.
